In my younger years, last away games of the season were carefree days out that were more or less just an excuse to get dressed up like a bunch of fuckwits and spend the day getting pissed. These days however, they’re a lot more stressful and serious – though we usually still spend the day getting pissed.
At the start of the season, Scunthorpe United as the last awayday would likely have been seen as the perfect place to visit. An ex Championship ground that isn’t that far from the green and pleasant lands of Northumberland? Belta.
That being said, when you’re in the midst of yet another relegation battle, it’s not really the sort of place you want to have to visit at the end of the season. Especially with them still competing for 2nd place and a home advantage in the play offs.
Despite being in the midst of a relegation battle yet again and in terrible form, the demand for busses was fairly high! After filling the first one with ease, the 2nd bus eventually got over the line thanks to a bit of pushing and pestering people into coming – with seats still being sold at 11pm the day before! On the way down Pieface and the other lads kept an eye on the functioning alcoholics on bus 2, whereas I over saw bus 1 with the slightly more normal folk on, and Ant Hedley.
With all our plans in place for the biggest away game of the season, I naturally had to head out on Friday night for a few pints to calm the nerves ahead of a game that could more or less relegate us.
For once once in my life I managed to regulate my drinking (sort of) on a Friday night, making it home before 11pm! Thankfully the hangover on Saturday morning was almost a non factor, and I nearly made it on time for Davey Hanson’s lift.
After picking up Humey and some Peroni, we headed down to Spoons to meet the lads. In recent weeks the bait in Spoons has been fairly good, but this time it was absolutely twatful. Perhaps it was just the lingering taste of cheap vodka redbull from the previous evening that ruined it for me, who knows.
We managed to get everyone rounded up onto the correct busses with relative ease and no fuss at all, which I’ll have to be honest surprised me greatly!
By 9:30am just about everyone who said they were coming had arrived, and the busses departed for Sunny Scunny. I’d gone to back to sit near Hedley and make sure he didn’t start stripping off, though in fairness to him he usually needs 3 drinks or so before that becomes an issue for him. With the Cramlington refugees on board, we hit the A1 ( as a connoisseur of the A19 this upset me greatly) and headed towards Lincolnshire.
The journey was probably one of the most stress-free one’s I’ve had for a long while, with the only issue being one of the young lads who was constantly dropping his bait. I’ve never smelt a dead body before, but I’m going to assume it would give off a more pleasant odor than whatever was coming out of that lads arse.
Nevertheless, the 2 and a half hour journey was over in a flash and we landed at Take A Gander just in time for the Toon game.
After reuniting with my beloved Pieface, we grabbed a few pints of Staropramen and sat down to watch the match and bully whoever had just gotten knocked out during Chase the Ace.
The bar was rather rammed and everyone was in good spirits, then out came a mountain of free bacon sarni’s from the kitchen – which were devoured within seconds. Young Vegas thought it would be a wise move to get the Jager’s in during the Toon game, and I can safely say that poor lad will be looking at his bank balance with a tear in his eye this morning.
Our time in the bar seemed to fly by though, and after a few more free sarni’s and several more lagers – it was time to head to the Attis Arena.
For some reason we were flanked by a van full of coppers, who had just seemed to sit in the car park and watch us all afternoon. When one of the lads asked them why they were here, I was surprised to hear it wasn’t to watch our resident nudist or the young hooligans – they were just there because “It’s Scunthorpe’s last home game and our last chance to get some overtime in.” Nice to know our hard earned tax is being spent wisely.
After going through a delightful retail park and yet more coppers, an extremely pleasant steward charged us £40 to park both busses and we disembarked right outside the away end.
Upon entering the ground, I was rather shocked to hear we wouldn’t be able to drink during the game – despite home fans being allowed to drink on the opposite terrace. They’d also taped off the ‘menu’ and served nout but pie’s – which tasted like arse.
Despite only being built in 1988, the Attis Arena is a bit of a shit heap as well. Bog’s reeked off stale piss, and the place was fucking filthy. In terms of away ends, it’s probably in the bottom 3 along with Chester City and Banbury United.
As 3pm approached, the lads had all gathered on the terraces and were in fine voice – cheering on the lads who got a canny reception when they came out. At first we were a bit unsure on formation, but it seemed like we’d gone with a back 4 and Evans at LB. As Cal was playing on the opposite flank, it may have been a wise move.
In the opening moments of the game we looked up for it and for the first 5 min’s at least, it seemed like we might be able to really make a game of it – especially when Jordan Hickey kicked Tyler Denton into next week.
But those positive thoughts would quickly evaporate when Scunny went 1-0 up. We’d began to look a bit nervy in defence in the moments building up to the goal, but when the home side did take the lead, it was almost as if they woke up and finally left first gear.
The rest of the half was quite frankly just painful to watch. Personally, I don’t subscribe to this mantra that the lads have given up or just don’t care – I just felt that they were completely outclassed by a really good team.
Scunthorpe just carved us apart for the most part and really put on a good footballing display, apart from when Cal Roberts tried to dive in the box and that moment Danny Whitehall tried to kick to Michael Hogan in the face when had both hands on the ball. What a delightful ginger man he is.
As the 2nd and 3rd goals went in, all hope of getting any kind of result vanished and in all honesty – I just stopped paying attention to the game. Come half time I left to go back on the bus for a bottle of lager along with Gary and Morton, and never bothered going back into the game. After a drink on the bus we headed over to M&S for some more lager, or in Morton’s case some M&S pre mixed cocktails – which are deadly for him. I’d gone for some Asahi, and I can safety say that’s some of the most overrated shite I’ve ever drank.
By the time we got back to the bus and cracked a beer open, the lads began flooding out of the ground and back onto the busses as we went 4-0 down. Dev’s had of course pulled a goal back from the spot, but the home side made it 5-1 to end the game. An emphatic win for them.
Following a bit of Police intervention as we left the ground, everyone eventually managed to get back on the busses and we headed home. Despite just being tanked 5-1, the spirits on the bus home was higher than most of Blyth on a Friday night.
I’d jumped back on Bus 2 this time, leaving Hedley to get naked in peace. Though I did now have to deal with Gary Allan constantly shitting himself and Vegas. Somehow that young lad managed to nurse a can of Tennent’s all the way home, which is almost an impressive achievement. Thought it was right after he downed a bottle of Smirnoff Ice in just over 30 seconds, which provided the lads with some great entertainment!
After a fun few hours on the road with the lads, we eventually got back to Delaval for the reasonably early time of 7:45pm – which is a canny effort from the driver in fairness. More drinks and discussion about next seasons away trips to likes of Morpeth, Workington and Whitby followed, before I eventually headed home with a Holywell Pizza and jumped into my pit after a long yet fun day out on the drink.
All in all, that’s probably one of the most stress free and easiest days I’ve ever had when organising away travel, so I’d like to say a huge thank you to everyone who came out yesterday. Despite football and the result, it was a belta laugh!
Now onto Saturday…
